Clexa Uhaul, Grounder Style
by Jude81
Summary: Lexa asked Clarke to come with her to Polis, and after three months of waiting, Lexa sends Roan to kidnap her and bring her to Polis. This was inspired by ep 3.2 but also by a Tumblr post by Carmillavampstein. Link in Story.


**A/N: Inspired by 3.2 and this Tumblr Post: post/138354379683/bae-in-maine-carmillavampstein-season-2**

 **A/N: This is total crack trash. Enjoy.**

"She's here, Heda. Approaching the gates with Roan."

"Mochof, Indra."

Lexa rubbed her fingertips together and smiled. Three months. It had been three long months since the mountain, since she had asked Clarke to come with her to Polis. She had meant it then when she'd asked Clarke, and despite having to leave Clarke at the Mountain, she still meant for Clarke to come to Polis. She had sent many messengers over the months to tell Clarke just that. At this point, she was rather irritated that Clarke had shunned her invitation to Polis. But finally after three months, she had decided enough was enough; and it was time Clarke came to Polis where she belonged: with Lexa.

The minutes passed and Lexa started to pace nervously. "What is taking so long? What is keeping them?" She huffed in irritation as she glared at Titus, before stalking back to her throne, and throwing herself into a heap in it.

"I'm sorry, Heda. I'm sure it will only be a few more minutes." Titus stepped back slightly behind the throne so he was out of Lexa's direct line of sight. He glanced at Indra, jerking his head at Lexa, but Indra just glared at him. He grit his teeth. Damn the woman. He stepped back behind the throne, motioning for Indra to follow him. She rolled her eyes at him but followed.

"What?" she hissed at him.

"You should say something." He nodded again at Lexa's moping figure.

Indra stared at him in disbelief. "Say something? Like what?"

"Something comforting. Yes, say something comforting to her." Titus smiled and nodded eagerly, and then looked at Indra with all the expectations of an excited little boy just given his first sword.

Indra grit her teeth. She didn't do comforting. She did blood and gore and…and…not comforting! "No," she snarled, "You want her comforted, you do it."

Titus' smile dimmed. Lexa was in a volatile mood, and he wasn't sure how she would react. Normally she listened to his wise counsel, but she was rather focused when it came to Clarke, and she had dismissed his great words of wisdom. As a matter of fact, last time he tried to speak to her about this WanHeda, she had rather cheerfully told him that if he opened his mouth again, she would be happy to cut his tongue out. He had been more than a little disconcerted at her devilish smile. Smiling had never really been Lexa's thing. And when he had questioned Indra about it, she had informed him that the Skai Man, Kane, had told Lexa that she would get further with Clarke if she smiled more.

Titus muttered under his breath and finally shrugged, "Ok…Parchment, Rock, Sword." He held out his fist in his cupped hand and waited expectantly for Indra to agree. He smiled his most charming smile at her, hoping that it would make her more inclined to not behead him. It worked on all the other ladies.

Indra simply stared at him, debating the consequences if she just removed his head from his shoulders. She honestly didn't know if Lexa would congratulate her for it or throw her off the balcony. She decided to err on the side of caution, and with an annoyed shrug and eye roll; she held out her cupped fist also.

"Ok…on three…one, two, three!"

Indra snarled in disbelief when Titus' rock crushed her sword. "Best out of three, Titus!"

"No, absolutely not. I won fair and square!" He pouted and stamped his little foot. But his eyes widened when Indra's hand wrapped around the pommel of her sword, and she started to pull it. He quickly scurried around the side of the throne to stand in front of Lexa.

"Well? What is it, Titus?" Lexa huffed in irritation at him, wondering why he suddenly looked so nervous.

"Oh, my apologies, Heda. Indra has something she would like to say to you." He smiled and backed up quickly, trying to put distance between him and Indra without appearing to be doing just that.

Lexa glared at him for a moment and then glanced up at Indra, "Well, Indra? Spit it out."

Indra stood there, seething quietly as she plotted all the ways in which she could kill Titus. So far, her favorite was tossing him off the balcony and then feeding him to the fish in Lexa's koi pond.

"Oh well…Heda…I…uh…." Indra snarled to herself, feeling the sweat beading on her brow. Something comforting. Something comforting. Think! "What I mean to say, Heda, is that I'm sure Clarke will be happy to see you," she finished lamely. She closed her eyes briefly, attempting to block out Titus' disbelieving snort.

Lexa stared at her general, who looked like she was burning up with fever if the sweat dripping down her cheek was any indication. She had a grimace on her face, and Lexa worried that she might actually be sick all over her clean floor. But there were more important matters to attend to now.

"Do you really think so, Indra?" she asked meekly, trying not to betray just how much she hoped Indra's words were true.

Indra smiled, her white teeth gleaming. She clicked her teeth sharply and glared at Titus before smirking and turning back to Lexa, "If I am wrong, Heda, I will kill Titus." She smiled triumphantly, ignoring Titus' squeak of indignation. Served the little pipsqueak right.

Lexa grunted and waved her hand, "No, that won't be necessary." But when she saw her general's face fall in disappointment, and she saw what looked like a wet shine in her eyes, she couldn't help but want to comfort her. "Well…maybe. Maybe you can kill him later." Lexa smiled when her general visibly perked up and then nodded sagely at Lexa.

"A wise decision, Heda." She bowed to Lexa, and then smirked triumphantly at Titus, while fingering the dagger at her belt. Yes, the koi pond it was.

Titus shuffled his feet, glaring at Indra who looked entirely too satisfied with the recent change of events. He would need to ingratiate himself with Lexa, remind her of his eloquent and wise counsel. But humbly. Yes, he would need to remind her in the most humble of manners.

He sighed dramatically, and pulled at his robe. It was hard being so wise, so great. No one understood him, or the burdens he had to bear being the wisest, the cleverest, the smartest, the sagest, the…well now he had simply run out of words to describe his own greatness.

"It's been over an hour!" yelled Lexa as she stomped her feet and slouched in her throne. "Where are they?!" Just as she was preparing to bury her dagger in the table or in Titus, whichever was in her way first; the guards knocked and entered the room telling her that Clarke and Roan had arrived.

"Yes, yes," she whispered eagerly, as she straightened in her throne, quickly running her hands over her hair to check her braids. She straightened her coat and sat up in the throne, casually crossing her legs. She ran her tongue over teeth and grimaced suddenly worried that her breath might not be acceptable.

She gestured helplessly in the air, causing both Indra and Titus to jump. "Quick who has peppermint leaves," she hissed.

Titus jumped forward digging through his robe and pulling out a small leather sack. He knew being obsessed with good dental hygiene would someday pay off, and he smirked at Indra who just glared at him as he handed the sack to Lexa.

Lexa who grabbed a few leaves, crunching them rapidly. Her eyes stung for a brief moment when the thick peppermint stung her mouth and nasal passages. She wrinkled her nose, swishing the remnants of the leaves in her mouth. She looked around hastily for something to spit the glob out in, but saw nothing, and she had just had the floor shined!

She looked up expectantly at Indra who grimaced and backed up a step, "Heda,…I…please…no." She choked out, but Lexa just growled warningly at her. Indra sighed and held out her hand, trying not to gag when Lexa spit out a large mouthful of saliva and crushed leaves. She shook her head and sighed as she stood there awkwardly with a handful of Heda spit. Oh well. It could always be worse. She comforted herself with thoughts of Titus in the koi pond.

"Ok, I'm ready. Let her in." She waved to her guards, and tried not to fidget when Roan walked in dragging Clarke behind him. Her mouth dropped open slightly when she realized Clarke was gagged and her hands were tied, and she looked thin and sick. There was dried blood at the corners of her mouth, and she smelled rather potently.

She heaved herself off the throne, ordering Indra and Titus out of the room. She ordered her guards to help Clarke up. She glared hard at Roan, "I thought I told you she was to be unharmed. Look at her! She is sick and filthy!" snarled Lexa.

"She didn't come easy. It's not my fault. And she isn't sick. But yeah, she does smell. And that isn't my fault either!" mumbled Roan as he defiantly stared back at Heda.

Lexa glared at him again and reached out to pull down Clarke's gag.

"I wouldn't do that, Heda."

She stopped, her fingers partially curled around the gag, and looked at Roan in disbelief. "And why shouldn't I? She isn't a prisoner, Roan."

Roan smirked, but then rubbed his arm, "She's a biter. She got pissed and bit me," he smiled ruefully, "she also kicked me a few times. Not to mention she said a lot of angry words that I don't understand." He shuddered a little. The trip up the tower had not been pleasant, and he hoped he never had to make the same trip with the blonde she-demon ever again.

Lexa stared worriedly at him for a moment and then looked back at Clarke. Her Clarke. Her beautiful Clarke. Her beautiful, gagged Clarke. Her beautiful, gagged Clarke that looked really pissed. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if it might be better to just leave Clarke gagged. No doubt if she pulled out the gag, the blonde would start screaming words at her that she wouldn't understand either.

She bit her lip, slightly unsure what to do, when Clarke huffed at her and rolled her eyes. Lexa couldn't help the small smile that chased across her lips, and she gazed down at Clarke's mouth. Despite the dirty gag, and the blood at the corner of her lips, she wanted nothing more than to kiss the other girl. Her decision made, she pulled out the gag.

"Hello, Klark. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to be a prisoner," she glared at Roan as she said it, "and I'm sorry he didn't treat you well. He will be punished," she quickly assured the still glaring blonde. She waved away Roan's protests, ignoring his yelling as she gestured for her guards to take him away.

"It wasn't my fault, Heda! She was clean and fine when we walked through the gates! How was I supposed to know the tower would do this to her! Heda!"

Lexa shook her head, relieved when the doors closed on a yelling Roan, leaving her alone with Clarke. She smiled at her, reaching out and pulling Clarke closer to her, but when Clarke's tied wrists bumped into her she stopped in confusion. Oh right. Her wrists were still tied.

"Oops. Sorry," she murmured as she looked down and started untying them. Her fingers shook a little and she couldn't help but think about Clarke's wrists being tied. To her headboard. Clarke tied to her bed. With a gag in. She took a deep shuddering breath, trying to ignore the thoughts tumbling madly in her mind. There was time for that later. After Clarke was clean. Much cleaner.

She released Clarke's hands and stepped closer, wanting to kiss the girl, but she was stopped when she caught a whiff of the girl. Roan was right. She was filthy, and she smelled. She couldn't help it when she wrinkled her nose a little and took a step back. Then another one.

"Roan is right, you do sm-" but her words were cut off abruptly when a giant wad of spit hit her in the face. She winced and grimaced, reflexively closing her eyes. Right. So Clarke was definitely mad at her. She peeked open one eye the moment Clarke started yelling though.

"You bitch! You fucking bitch! I hate you! I will kill you! You wanted the commander of death?! Well you got her!" Clarke kept screaming, even as the guards burst through the doors and grabbed her, ready to haul her outside. But Lexa threw up a hand to stop them.

"Klark…"

"No, you fucking bitch! Look at me?! I'm a filthy mess! And I had on such a pretty shirt too! Damn you! It's ruined! You made me climb that damn tower! I told your messengers that I didn't want to come! But noooooooooooo, you wouldn't listen!" Clarke stomped her foot on one of the guard's feet, and managed to twist out of his grasp, but fell to the floor in a graceless heap.

"Leave her!" shouted Lexa, as she gestured her guards away from Clarke. She sighed. It was obvious they needed to talk, maybe then they could get to the kissing part. She wiped at her face again. This really hadn't been the way she had envisioned swapping spit with Clarke.

She crouched down next to Clarke who had finally pulled herself into a sitting position. She had stopped screaming, but now she was sniffling and glaring at Lexa.

"Perhaps we should talk about the Mountain, Klark?"

"Fuck the Mountain. I'm over the Mountain. I'm over you too," harrumphed Clarke as she glared at Lexa, crossing her arms over her front, wincing at the stretch in her muscles.

Lexa crouched in front of Clarke, easily balancing on the balls of her feet. She was trying not to inhale too deeply as the girl really did smell. How had she gotten so dirty? Her messengers had reported that Clarke had seemed healthy and clean. She wrinkled her nose. "Klark, how did you get so…." She gestured helplessly at Clarke's form.

"Your fucking tower. That's how!" snarled Clarke. She shifted again, wincing at the strain in her legs. "Once your messengers told me about Polis, and specifically this tower…." She gestured around the room, and glared at Lexa. "Fuck no, Lexa. This is too much cardio for me. I hate working out, and I told your messengers that."

Clarke smacked Lexa hard on the arm, almost knocking her over, "I told your fucking messengers, Lexa, that it was way too many steps for me to climb. It would probably kill me, and it almost did!" Clarke finished with another angry huff, sniffing back tears. She hurt so bad. She hurt in places she didn't know existed. She was sure she had torn muscles that weren't supposed to even exist. Stupid Lexa.

"Why didn't you just leave me alone? I told your messengers no."

Lexa smiled a little, "We take uhauling very seriously here, Klark. You agreed before the battle of the Mountain to come to Polis with me, and while I understand that things were a bit tense between us after the Mountain, I still waited for you to come." Lexa smiled reassuringly at Clarke, who continued to glare at her. "I sent my messengers to invite you again, but when you didn't come…"

Lexa sighed and stood to her feet. She reached down to help Clarke who groaned as she got to her feet. "Three months was long enough, Klark. Do you even know how long that is in lesbian years?!" She shook her head sadly, "we should have already had at least two cats by now. Nesting, Klark. We should have already been nesting!" She stated exasperatedly, "And since you were being stubborn, I sent Roan to bring you here."

Lexa carefully wrapped her arms around Clarke, trying to hold her breath when she kissed her on her forehead. "But you are here now, and I will have a bath drawn for you." She hesitated for a moment, her brow wrinkled. "I'm still confused."

She pulled back and stared at Clarke carefully, "How did you get so filthy? How did climbing the tower make you filthy?"

Clarke stomped her foot and pushed at Lexa's chest, "Did you not hear me, Lexa?! I told you! The climb up those tower stairs almost killed me. I was fucking clean and fine before we started climbing. And really? What the fuck, Lexa, why don't you have any elevators! I ended up all sweaty and gross." She stomped her foot again, swinging her arms wildly, causing Lexa to have to duck more than once.

"Let me tell you one more time, Lexa…. I. DO. NOT. DO. CARDIO." She bit out harshly, her chest heaving (and what a magnificent chest it was. Lexa couldn't tear her eyes away) as she continued to glare at Lexa.

Oh. The stairs. It had been too much for Clarke. Lexa smiled. Awwwww….the stairs had been too much for her sweet, delicate flower.

"Stop giving me heart eyes," grumbled Clarke, refusing to be charmed by the older girl.

Lexa just smiled harder at her.

"And the blood and gag?"

Clarke glanced away, refusing to meet Lexa's eyes. "Uh…well…I…I mean…I might have bit Roan because he wouldn't stop and let me rest," she shrugged guiltily, "and I might have kicked him a couple of times. And I might have sworn at him. A lot," she muttered not looking at Lexa.

Ok, so maybe Clarke wasn't a delicate flower. Awwwww….but she was so damn cute that Lexa couldn't help but smile again.

"So…was this before the tower, or…"

"Aaargh! While climbing the tower, Lexa. I asked to stop and rest, and he wouldn't let me!"

Lexa's eyes narrowed. She was going to kill Roan. Dump his body in the koi pond.

"How far up the tower were you?"

Clarke mumbled something, still refusing to meet her eyes.

"Klark?"

"Wewerelessthanonefourthoftheway."

"Klark…"

"Fine! We hadn't even climbed one fourth of the way, and I thought I was going to die. I was all sweaty and gross and my muscles were already staging an open rebellion! I'm pretty sure I tore some muscles, and everything hurts, Lexa!" She crossed her arms and pouted.

Lexa covered her mouth with her hand, trying to stop the snort that desperately wanted to escape.

"Oh fuck you, Lexa," growled Clarke, "not all of us can be all muscular and tall a-a-and hot, and muscly and just really hot. Damnit!"

Awwww…her Boo was so cute when she was blushing. And her Boo thought she was hot. She preened a little.

"Seriously, Lexa, why do you have to live at the fucking top of this monstrosity?" whined Clarke.

"Because I'm Heda."

Clarke rolled her eyes. Of course. Stupid Heda. Stupid hot Heda. She shuffled her feet.

"Would it make you feel better if I gave you a Royal Piggy-Backer? Someone to carry you up and down the stairs?"

"Oooooh! Really?! Yes!" Clarke squealed and clapped her hands.

Awwww…her Boo was so damn adorable. And lazy. But so adorable!

Lexa smiled triumphantly. She would find a royal piggy-backer immediately. Someone big and strong, who could lug her lazy boo around.

"Can it be Roan? Pretty please?"

Lexa was jerked from her thoughts by Clarke's pleading voice. Pleading. She swallowed hard. Oh she liked the idea of pleading. She would need to explore that more.

"No, I don't think so…" her voice trailed off, and she stared in slight wonder at the mischievous smile gracing Clarke's beautiful, dirty face.

"Pretty please, Lexa! Pretty please with me on top?"

Lexa's mouth dropped open but she could only squeak unintelligibly. Yes! Yes! Absolutely! With Clarke on top. She would give Clarke just about anything if Clarke could be on top. Of Lexa. On top of Lexa. She groaned a little at the thought.

She called for her guards impatiently and once they entered, she sent them looking for Gian, her biggest Trikru warrior. "I'm sorry, Clarke, Roan isn't strong enough. And I have to kill him," she murmured regretfully. She wrapped her arms around Clarke again, "I hope you understand, I have to kill him and dump him in the koi pond."

"Koi pond?"

"Oh yes, koi…big, brightly colored fish. They are really beautiful, and it's relaxing to watch them." She smirked, "its even more relaxing knowing they are eating my enemies."

Clarke chuckled, "well ok. If it keeps the koi happy."

Lexa leaned in slightly, her nose brushing against Clarke's. She blushed and mumbled, "Uh…um…Klark, can you still be on top?"

Clarke smirked, "I always knew the big, bad Heda was a total bottom."

 **A/N: Funny or just stupid?**


End file.
